Silent Hill Academy. June 4, 2026 (ABF Newswire)

Editor's Note: This story originally appeared in the Silent Hill Inquirer with the title "This Year's BOD Performance Slayed the Audience with Help from a Technical Glitch". It is re-posted with permission.

When Ricky's mom was about to blow up, a perfectly timed accident and line delivery brought down the house. This year's live performance of the 1985 movie "Better Off Dead" was one to remember.

Let me backtrack a bit for our uninitiated readers. Every year, Silent Hill has a special live-action performance of the movie "Better Off Dead", a tradition that dates back over two decades. This performance is in addition to our yearly theater special, which is the "Sound of Music" this year.

This year's BOD main cast:

• Jake Ryan, Senior, plays the lead character, Lane
• Carline Mulford, Senior, plays Lane's love interest, Beth
• Mike Baker, Freshman, plays Lane's younger brother, Badger
• Samantha Baker, Sophomore, plays the foreign exchange student, Monique
• Our new Board of Trustee plays the overbearing mother, Mrs. Smith
• Jimmy Montrose, Junior, plays Mrs. Smith's son, Ricky
• And Mr. Williams, our longtime janitor, plays the part of the Tree Trimmer

As is tradition with this play, our school used a volunteer for Ricky's mom, a belligerent and unruly character who yells a lot at her son, Ricky, and everyone else. The part is largely played offstage with shrill lines delivered over the PA. The character in the movie goes through a scene where they mistake a jar of paint thinner for alcohol and tries to drink it with a lit cigarette in hand. After that, Ricky's mom's face is covered in bandages. In our play, we have the actress on stage behind a semi transparent divider, back to audience, with magician's flash paper in hand, ready to ignite it. On cue, the actor, usually a student's mother -- because what high school student doesn't want to lampoon their mom? -- mimes lifting a Mason jar to their mouth while activating the flash paper with a palmed lighter.

This year, we had a prominent member of our esteemed Board of Trustees play the part of Ricky's mom. The scene started normally with the guest actress facing away from the audience. Hark! A flood light fell from the rafters and landed on her head. A cervical fracture. Pronounced dead after the scene. Luckily, a spark from the fallen lighting unit triggered the flash paper. Jake, playing Lane, and Jimmy, playing Ricky, rolled with it.

"Gee, I'm real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky," recited in perfect deadpan condolence. The crowed roared with laughter.

Aside from the hiccup, the rest of the performance went smooth and the audience graced our cast's performance with a standing ovation. The traditional after party in the quad had performances by a couple of our local favorite bands, Squid Utters and Pithy Lemons.

The deceased, a COO at a global social media company, was a new Board of Trustee appointment. Her cunning business savvy, notably the recent inclusion of the company's global content moderation team in recent layoffs, was seen as a positive role model for the students. She had a proven record that shareholders are a priority; shareholders were pleased with the moderation team removal because it opened the door for additional advertising streams, and the market tends to reward layoffs. How to Run a Business 101.

"We had an empty slot on the board and she fit the role: not only was she an alumni, I've heard her described as someone who would immolate a pile of puppies to fuel shareholder value," remarked a current trustee. "She was a good fit. Looks like the search is open again."

A special thanks: We in the performing arts department would like to extend our thanks to the Silent Hill Inquirer Technology staff for letting us encroach on their space in this week's paper. Thank you, SHITs!

~ Cindy Steward, Silent Hill Inquirer Performing Arts staff columnist